Absurdist Holidays
by Cadeja
Summary: Modern AU Cassian and Jizabel not meant to be taken seriously. At all.


**A Heart Warming Delilah Christmas Special**

Truly, the holidays could be an amusing time with the Doctor's company. Of course this all required that one had a masochistic definition of 'amusing', Cassian thought. Really, he had no idea what devil had possessed him to volunteer to help Doctor Disraelli run Christmas errands. The hacking of an elderly man ahead of them in the checkout reminded Cassian why: paid sick days. And a possible 401k contribution from the so called hospital where he had his so called job.

I mean Doctor Disraelli was the son, even if the hated bastard son, of Saint Delilah Mercy Hospital's owner/ administrator/ chief- investor- with- criminal ties, Alexis Hargreaves. So a good review from Doctor Jizabel had to be worth something, because Cassian really needs that promotion. And health insurance.

The old man kept coughing, and off to Cassian's side the Doctor muttered about _'the polite thing for a man that age to do would be die'_. Lovely, this was whom Cassian would be spending his holidays with. Then again, maybe visiting Jizabel and his deranged family for Christmas was less pathetic than eating TV diners on the porch with that stray cat?

A tug at his sleeve interrupts that train of thought. The Doctor looks up at Cassian, a polite and warm expression on his face.

"Cassian, could you please be so kind as to _remove_ that man from the line for me?"

Cassian inches away nervously: "Doctor, you do realize that we're not allowed to do that outside of Delilah, right?" The Doctor waves his hand and pushes his hair back in the most casual gesture.

"Oh, of course; I always keep forgetting that! Thank you for reminding me, Cassian. I suppose I just don't get out of Delilah too often these days. Honestly, the outside world is unbearably strange in comparison." Cassian wondered why he ever took a job with such madmen. Then again, with today's economy he was lucky to even be employed. And so Cassiain was grateful, that was until the Doctor's foot-tapping, huffing, and checking a non-existent watch became unbearable.

"Okay, you know what, Doctor? Why don't you just read one of the books they have here?"

"Excuse me, Cassian? What could a FedEx possibly have to amuse a man of my intellect and tastes?" Stuck up pretty boy brat, even his _hair _seems full of itself. Though it is _very, very_ pretty. And shiny. And full. And bouncy. But Cassian's used to dealing with brats. There were those unfortunate years he spent working with the Pete's Circus Party Mobile. Never again. If he could deal with 28 snot- nosed brats and balloon animals, he could deal with one Doctor.

"How about that one? It's about a Snark. I don't know what a Snark is, but I know you love them. You keep saying that whenever you fall asleep on your desk. You also keep saying _'no, daddy'_ and _'but I've been a good boy'_ . Do you have any idea how awkward things get for everyone else when you fall asleep on the intercom?" Things were about to get much, much more awkward for Cassian.

The Doctor stepped back tremblingly, suddenly. ' _Oh, shi_-' was all Cassian had the time to think before it started. The entire checkout line dispersed and then gathered around them to watch as Jizabel's breakdown took place.

The sad part was that ever since Alexis' fellow reputable "business associate" Lord Cassandra Gladstone had come along, Cassian had seen the need to establish a routine for dealing with the young Doctor's episodes. The latest instance had been at the frozen meats section of a grocery store. That was nowhere near as bad as the one where Jizabel had seen a Lamb Chop plushie.

As he sat there, rubbing the back of the frantic and wide eyed young man, it occurred to Cassian what the absolute worst part of these experiences was.  
It was the procession of little old granny- types that would walk up to Cassian as he rather embarrassingly held Jizabel. They would all in turns place a hand on Cassian's shoulder as they looked to the Mad Doctor and said that they '_wished the little deary well'_. Sometimes, there were even offerings of stale candy and dinner mints from out of over sized, overstuffed purses.

**Eating TV dinners alone with the cat somehow didn't seem that pathetic anymore. **

—

This was somehow what seeing that book at a FedEx made me think of… Sometimes I worry about the way my mind works. Then again, there's worse.

PS: this is old junk from my tumblr, but I thought I'd post it here and add a bit more. About AU Cassian and Jizabel's absurdly happy lives...


End file.
